I'm over-tired and emotional, and I don't really know where I'm going with this, it's thoughts as I think them. Please bear with me.
So I can't sleep. The other night I felt the same, so thought about Lily and I was able to relax and doze off. It didn't have the same effect this time. This time a question kept running through my mind.
Why couldn't she live?
The Shack was a great book (little-bit-of-a-spoiler alert), but it was about the main character dealing with the loss of his murdered daughter. He was asking God why he didn't stop it from happening. Someone else caused it to happen though, and there was a person for him to 'blame'. With Lily, nobody did anything, it just happened when she was developing.
I believe with everything in me that miracles are real. Years ago my asthma used to stop me from running around. I was prayed for at church, and after that night I can now run around as much as I want and no asthma. I know miracles are real, and I've seen many over my lifetime.
I hear about so many miracles that come true, but we don't talk about the ones that don't. It seems unanswered prayers (or prayers not answered in the way you would like/expect) cause doubt to creep in. Don't get me wrong, Lily's death hasn't meant I don't believe in miracles, or doubt that prayer works. I believe that Lily was a miracle herself. She was perfect. But why no miracle of lasting life for our perfect girl?
We saw that Lily had six toes on her left foot on two separate scans both done by senior people at the hospital, but when she was born she had perfect feet. Five toes on each, and they were all perfect. We even heard the doctors comment on it after she was born. It's just hard not knowing why there wasn't a miracle for lasting life.
The hard thing for me is that I was believing for the miracle of lasting life (I keep saying this because she was a miracle, but the only thing she was lacking was lasting life) right till the end. It didn't happen though. She passed away in our arms, and we will live a life without her physically here with us.
There were literally hundreds and hundreds of people around the country and the rest of the world praying for her. Why wasn't this prayer answered? I may never know the answer, but as hard as that is... I can live with that. It won't stop me wondering or asking, but I can live with it. I think the reason I can live with it is because I know God is real. I know he loves me, and only wants the best for me. I can't understand his reasons for not intervening, but it's not going to change my feelings about him, or my faith.
That might sound strange to you, and you may not be able to understand, but that's ok. As I said, this is me and my thoughts.
I think I just figured out what my days off will be filled with. Thinking. Lots of it.
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