It seems the hardest thing at the moment is seeing other babies and children, and thinking "I wish I had that with Lily". It first hit me the morning after the funeral when I turned on the TV to the Tinkerbell movie. I know Lily wouldn't have been old enough to really appreciate it, but I imagined myself watching it with her. It hurt to think I could never do that.
I imagine it's going to be hard when we get to her first birthday. Or her her 5th, when she would be starting school... The other thing I struggle with is that I want to remember Lily in a positive way. I don't want to always think "She's gone", I would rather have the thought "Wow, what an awesome 8 months we got to spend with her while she was with us".
Sarah posted something I thought was good over on her blog (http://lilytynesmum.blogspot.com) from a SANDS (Stillbirth and Newborn Death Support) leaflet we were given when we went into hospital:
After I've lost my baby, please...
* DON'T ignore me because you are uncomfortable with the subject of death ... it makes me wonder if what happened to me means nothing to you.
* DON'T ignore me because you are uncomfortable with the subject of death ... it makes me wonder if what happened to me means nothing to you.
* DO tell me that you care and that you are sorry this has happened.
* DO acknowledge my pain, even if you think I shouldn't be feeling it because I've lost 'only a baby'.
* DON'T expect me to be 'over this' in a month (or maybe even a year or two). Losing a baby is one of the most difficult of all life's experiences and the depth of my grief will shock even me as it returns in waves over and over again, long after everyone else has forgotten.
* If you invite me for lunch in the midst of my grief, DO expect me to talk about my loss. It is all I am thinking about it, and I need to talk it out.
* Don't change the subject if I should start crying. Tears (and talking about it) are the healthiest way for me to release this intense emotion.
* Don't expect that because "she is with Jesus" that it is all that should matter (i.e. I should not be hurting). I do believe she is, and I am thankful for that, but my arms ache to hold her, and I miss her!
* DON'T say "better luck next time" or "you can have another one"... To me she was and is a very special, unique person and there is NO WAY she can ever be replaced! Besides, you don't know if there ever will be a next time - I don't either and that is a pain all it's own.
* If I snap at you for saying any of these things (or anything else), please DO forgive me and try to understand it comes from intense pain!
* DO be available to me often if you can, and let me talk or cry without judging me. Saying "don't be angry/sad" is like saying "don't be thirsty" - my feelings are part of a normal grief response and I will work through them quicker and easier if you aren't judgemental.
* Just love me and I will always remember you as a true friend!
* If you invite me for lunch in the midst of my grief, DO expect me to talk about my loss. It is all I am thinking about it, and I need to talk it out.
* Don't change the subject if I should start crying. Tears (and talking about it) are the healthiest way for me to release this intense emotion.
* Don't expect that because "she is with Jesus" that it is all that should matter (i.e. I should not be hurting). I do believe she is, and I am thankful for that, but my arms ache to hold her, and I miss her!
* DON'T say "better luck next time" or "you can have another one"... To me she was and is a very special, unique person and there is NO WAY she can ever be replaced! Besides, you don't know if there ever will be a next time - I don't either and that is a pain all it's own.
* If I snap at you for saying any of these things (or anything else), please DO forgive me and try to understand it comes from intense pain!
* DO be available to me often if you can, and let me talk or cry without judging me. Saying "don't be angry/sad" is like saying "don't be thirsty" - my feelings are part of a normal grief response and I will work through them quicker and easier if you aren't judgemental.
* Just love me and I will always remember you as a true friend!
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Some people won't know how to deal with it, or won't know they are being insensitive, and it's been good preparing for questions we might get from people who haven't heard what's happened too. I'm not looking forward to the "So how old is your baby now?" question when it comes up. Sarah has borrowed a great book called "Life After Baby Loss" that addresses all those things in a kiwi way.
Again, thanks for all the support and encouragement. It's sad that it's such a taboo subject and more open about this sort of thing, as not being able to talk about it would make it so much harder.
Today I'm thankful for: being able to listen to Lily's funeral audio as I add pictures and words to it, and remember the amazing time we got to spend with her =)
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