~ On the 17th of March 2011, Lily Tyne Hollows made her way into this world. She was with us for a matter of minutes once she was born, but we spent 8 wonderful months getting to know her ~
It seems strange that it's been over 2 weeks now. Time changed when it all happened. In the days/week afterwards I couldn't really keep track of what day it was unless there was an appointment or something with a day attached to it in my mind. My priorities changed from "what happens on this day of the week?" to "I have to do this/that at the moment". It changed from days/weeks to minutes/hours. I didn't really notice it at the time, but now looking back it's interesting to see what happened without me even knowing it.
I felt guilty that I wasn't feeling terrible all day every day. I know it's not a good thing, but it's how I felt for a while. The whole time throughout the pregnancy it didn't really feel real to me. I knew I had a daughter in my mind, but was having trouble feeling it. I thought when Lily was born it would all hit me, but it didn't. Well not all at once, I guess. I found it hard to bond with Lily (before she was born) the same way Sarah did, which might be to do with the physical side of things that Sarah was able to experience.
I desperately wanted to feel that connection too. I went to every scan, every mid-wife appointment, talked to Lily and listened to her heartbeat, but I didn't really feel like a Dad for some reason. You know the moment in a movie when a Dad connects with his baby, gets that look in his eye and has a moment that he will remember for the rest of his life? I wanted that. Towards the end of the pregnancy I found I could raspberry Sarah's belly and I could see Lily moving around, and that helped me connect, but connecting is something I struggled with. Not that I didn't love Lily though. I loved her so much, and that's why I wanted whatever that feeling was so badly.
I felt like I wanted to grieve, but wasn't doing it. I guess it's something that can't be forced, and different people will do it in their own time. Things hit home a bit on a subconscious level a few days ago on Thursday while reading some of 'The Shack'. I don't know what happened, but it seemed to unblock a bit of the dam I felt had built up inside that was stopping me feeling things I wanted to feel. It's hard, but good.
I don't really know what to do with my days either. Do I keep really busy, or is that distracting me from dealing with the feelings and thoughts I should be dealing with? As I said, it's hard, but I know it's process that takes time.
The support we've both had has been amazing too, and people will never really know how much it means to know people are simply thinking of us and praying for us. I know lots of people wanted to do something to help, but everyone has been helping without really knowing it. So now I continue on, not knowing what I should be feeling, and knowing inside there isn't really anything I 'should' be feeling anyway.
Lastly, someone suggested writing something good that happened every day, even if it's something small. My 'thing' today is realising how far I've come after reading what I wrote here today. I have made progress =)
Hiya Luke,
ReplyDeleteIt sounds as if you are going through a lot of complicated reactions to Lily’s in-utero-life, birth and passing. Thank you for your amazing generosity in blogging about your feelings for people to read. I admire and enjoy your openness.
I am not a parent myself, so I am not speaking first hand. However, I’ve heard a number Dads of miscarried and still-born children saying that they feel as you do. They don’t bond to the child the way that the mother does. They do not feel the loss – except, perhaps for the idea of being a father, and for the dreams and hopes you may have had for Lily and for your family.
There’s this romantic myth that all loving parents feel besotted with their children when they are born. But in fact, a significant number of parents (including mothers!) do not any real close bond with their children for quite some time. For some parents, it actually takes months to feel a bond, even with a living child that they can interact with on a daily basis. Every parent I’ve spoken to who has had the courage to say that they don’t feel bonded to their children has told me they feel guilty about it. But it’s actually quite a normal possible reaction to have to your children, even though you are a loving and involved parent.
Newborn babies elicit powerful feelings of protectiveness and enamoured attitudes in some parents. Other parents just feel dissociated, unmoved or even revolted! They’re all normal responses to the arrival of babies. I am sorry that you didn’t have the feeling you longed for at Lily’s birth. But if Lily had stayed with you and Sarah, you would have eventually grown into feeling a bond with her, over time. Regardless of the fact that Lily is in spirit, and not available to you, you and Sarah are now parents forever, and however you feel toward Lily is perfect.
I hope it is not presumptuous of me to mention Sands (Stillborn and Newborn Death Support) to you. Sands is a nationwide network of parent-support groups set up to support families who have experienced the death of a baby. The groups support parents who have lost their children due to miscarriage, abortion due to foetal abnormalities, stillbirths, cot deaths and other early deaths. The group leaders are all trained with basic counselling skills so that they can run their groups with a feeling of emotional safety and with confidentiality. When I worked as a Lifeline counsellor, we used to refer callers who had lost infants to Sands as a community resource that they could tap into for extra support.
The Sands website is http://www.sands.org.nz/. Janet Williams is the Waikato group leader; she lives out at Tamahere. Janet and Nicki run support group meetings on the first Monday of every month. They can be reached at 0800 570 033. I have rung and left a message on your home answer-phone today about their monthly support meeting being on at 7:30pm tonight, if you feel inclined to check them out. Regardless, they are available to be telephoned at most times to just chat over the phone. They also have a library of useful books on the subject of living with the complicated grief and other reactions that arise when we lose a child.
Once again, thank you for being so open and emotionally accessible in sharing your reactions to fathering Lily. I think you are a rare and lovely Kiwi bloke, Luke, in your ability to do this. I think you are going to be a really amazing Dad to any future children and you and Sarah may decide to have.
Take care of yourselves,
Regards,
Janine Cornor
Thanks Janine. I didn't know about the meetings, and although we're not quite ready for that sort of thing now, we now know they are happening =)
ReplyDeleteAlso in regards to the bonding, I did feel as though there was a bond made once she was born, it seems it's taking time to really sink in, but I now feel closer to her than I ever have.