Today was Lily's due date, and what I wouldn't give to have been able to spend this extra time with her. Even before she was born, being able to see her move around and hear her heartbeat was amazing. I'm wishing I gave her lots more raspberries too...
I've started to realise I use certain things as an 'excuse' to be able to vent emotion/grieve, which is stupid really. Stupid in the way that I should be able to vent without needing excuses. Things like a certain song coming on (mainly 'Just The Way You Are' by Bruno Mars, as we carried Lily into the church to that song) or seeing a father holding his baby. It's a sad thing that it doesn't feel right to feel emotional any time I want/need to.
Obviously some circumstances aren't ideal, like today when I was in the middle of talking to a customer, and the Bruno Mars song came on. It's not that I want to burst out in tears, it's more that I want a moment to myself to remember Lily. A short moment to be happy, sad and by myself.
I find myself wondering if I spend enough time thinking about her, or 'grieving'. Which brings me to another thing. How can you define grieving? It's so broad, and I feel as though I need to make sure I'm doing it. Am I spending enough time dealing with feelings? Will there be any long term effects if I'm not? Should I talk to someone professional about it all even though I don't want to at this stage? Where's the manual?!
I've tried looking up things about it, but most sites say things like "there are stages of grief". I don't feel as though I'm following the stages, but that's ok. The biggest thing I've learnt, and continue to learn, is that my grief is different to anyone else's.
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