It feels like I'm being chased by a giant monster... Who gets lazy sometimes. If I'm not keeping busy or doing something lately I feel as though this monster of depression attacks me. It's strange to think it would start to happen now after a month, but I've heard from lots of people who have dealt with grief, and they have said things often start months down the track.
I've been keeping an eye out for this monster for a while. In a way I'm kind of glad it exists, as I felt like I should be feeling... 'sadder' than I was, but I don't like being attacked. Today I was fine when I was talking to a workmate, then as soon as we finished talking and I walked away, I felt the monster attack. It kind of felt like a giant wave hit me. It was a very strange sensation for something to hit me so fast, but I recognised what it was.
I didn't dwell on things, managed to keep busy, and once I got home the monster had gone. I know I'm stronger than the monster, but I also know I have to overcome the thought/feeling that having the monster around is a good thing. Purely because I don't feel as bad as I think I should after losing my first child, my perfect little girl. It might be because we chose to celebrate every part of Lily's life that it's not as hard as it 'should be'. I'm not angry she's gone, I'm thankful for the time we had with her.
As painful as this is, and has been, and will be... I don't regret a second. Getting to know our beautiful daughter over her 8 months of love-filled life was such an amazing experience, and I would do it all again. I think the amazing gift of being able to look at this all in a positive light is a huge help. Like a weapon to combat the monster...
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