25 April 2011

I may have a kidney stone, so lately a physical pain has been present along with the emotional one. Other than that things have been ok. I still find myself imagining Lily in my arms lots, but I expect that won't ever stop because it's such a deep longing.

We went out to her grave and left an Easter egg yesterday, and were glad to see she didn't have any new neighbours. We know she will eventually, but every time we see that green grass beside her it helps us to know that someone else hasn't lost their child. I know it's a relatively common thing that people often keep secret, and there will be many children that lost their lives since Lily, but it's a small comfort every time we go out to see her.

I'm still worried that I'm not grieving 'properly', even though I know it isn't black and white. I guess I'm afraid that if I don't deal with things properly it will come back to bite me later. That's something I would like to bring up with the counsellor actually (when we go). I just want re-assurance that I'm going to be psychologically ok in the long run and how I'm grieving isn't causing any harm... I know it's strange, and it seems silly to even me, but for some reason that's how I'm feeling.

Today I'm thankful for: the time I spent holding Lily in my arms. Some parents never experience that with their child. I consider myself lucky.

23 April 2011

I've figured out that I miss talking about Lily. Around the funeral it was all we did, but as the weeks have passed, it's becoming less and less. Sarah and I talk about Lily, but not many people outside our family do. I can understand that most people wouldn't want to bring up anything painful for me, but I've come to discover it's something that helps me.

When I talk about her I remember the stories of her scans, the special time I got to spend with her once she was born, the amazing impact she has left in so many people's lives... It helps me remember something I never want to forget. So don't be afraid to ask about my little girl.

If you want to know the story of the amazing birth that is beyond belief, ask me. If you want to know about the scans, ask me. If you want to know what it's been like to go through what I have, ask me (but I'm honest and open about it all, so please don't ask if you don't really want to know =P). If you want to know what it's like to cut through an umbilical cord, ask me =)

I enjoy talking about Lily, so please don't hold back questions or comments for my sake. I like to know other people are thinking about her too =)

Today I'm thankful for: Being a proud Dad.

22 April 2011

No matter what I do, the same questions keep going around in my head...

Am I dealing with feelings and thoughts, or keeping too busy to deal with them?

Did I go back to work too early?

Is it wrong to be thinking about future children when we only just lost Lily?

Will our future children make it into this world?

Should I be feeling 'sadder' than I am?

Do I need to be talking to people about Lily to help me grieve?

Do people expect me to be 'back to normal' already?

Why can't I find the right words to finish Lily's funeral project I've been working on when I'm almost done?

Again it seems I don't know what to feel, or if what I'm feeling is 'right'. It's a frustrating thing that no matter how much I try and rationalise with my brain, it keeps asking the same questions. I do feel like I'm making some progress though, it's just a slow process...

Today I'm thankful for: A day off to get some things done that I had been putting off for a while. It feels good to check some things off my procrastination list =)

20 April 2011

I have never been a 'bling' kind of guy. It took me months and months to get used to my wedding ring, and I had never even considered wearing anything else. In the week after we said goodbye to Lily I got the idea that Sarah and I should get rings to remember her. The idea stuck with me, and the more I thought about it the more I liked the idea. It's a physical way to remember her, and it's something I can look at every day to remind me how lucky I am to have had such a perfect daughter.

We looked at rings in the 6 stores we could find in Hamilton, but even after a second visit to all of them there was nothing that I liked and that would remind me of Lily when I looked at it. Eventually I had one made, as what I wanted didn't exist. After what seems like a very long wait, we finally have our rings. It's half white gold, half yellow gold, and has a single diamond set in the middle. It represents Sarah, myself and Lily, and engraved inside is "Lily Tyne 17.3.11".

It's not the most masculine ring, but that's not the reason I got it. Every time I see that diamond I'm reminded of the time I got to spend with Lily and how lucky I am. It's nice to finally have it =) It's like a promise to never forget her...

Today I'm thankful for: The ability to carry around a reminder that I'm a Dad, and my daughter was perfect.

19 April 2011

It feels like I'm being chased by a giant monster... Who gets lazy sometimes. If I'm not keeping busy or doing something lately I feel as though this monster of depression attacks me. It's strange to think it would start to happen now after a month, but I've heard from lots of people who have dealt with grief, and they have said things often start months down the track.

I've been keeping an eye out for this monster for a while. In a way I'm kind of glad it exists, as I felt like I should be feeling... 'sadder' than I was, but I don't like being attacked. Today I was fine when I was talking to a workmate, then as soon as we finished talking and I walked away, I felt the monster attack. It kind of felt like a giant wave hit me. It was a very strange sensation for something to hit me so fast, but I recognised what it was.

I didn't dwell on things, managed to keep busy, and once I got home the monster had gone. I know I'm stronger than the monster, but I also know I have to overcome the thought/feeling that having the monster around is a good thing. Purely because I don't feel as bad as I think I should after losing my first child, my perfect little girl. It might be because we chose to celebrate every part of Lily's life that it's not as hard as it 'should be'. I'm not angry she's gone, I'm thankful for the time we had with her.

As painful as this is, and has been, and will be... I don't regret a second. Getting to know our beautiful daughter over her 8 months of love-filled life was such an amazing experience, and I would do it all again. I think the amazing gift of being able to look at this all in a positive light is a huge help. Like a weapon to combat the monster...

Today I'm thankful for: My amazing wife. Best wife ever. Her blog (which you can read *here*) continues to blow me away with the insights, thoughts, honesty and love she shares.

17 April 2011

Today was a hard day. It's been a month since we met Lily. I found it difficult seeing so many babies and young kids at church this morning. It reminds me of what I'm missing out on with Lily. I felt real pain thinking I would never have that with her. Usually it's not so hard, but today it really hurt.

We visited Lily's grave site today, but I don't find it as hard out there. I think it's made a bit easier knowing it's somewhere we go to remember her, but she's up in heaven, not in the ground. I found it difficult walking around all the other plaques/gravestones and thinking about all the pain all those parents went through.

We're talking about seeing a counsellor at some point, and I think it will be good. I'm not sure what to expect, but it would be good to get another point of view on things and just talk about everything. We haven't been ready for that up until now, but we're willing to give it a go now we've had some time.

Today I'm thankful for: The amazing support that our church continues to give. People continue to pray for us and keep us in their thoughts even now, and the unwavering support is greatly appreciated. Thanks Life Church Hamilton =)

15 April 2011

I find myself going over all the positive things again and again in my head, so I won't forget anything. It's been great talking to people about Lily too. I find myself remembering little details I had forgotten as I re-tell her story.

I've found it easier to get through a day at work, and I'm not dead tired when I get home, but I feel like it hasn't left me with much time to think about things and process feelings. When I get home I'm exhausted, and my brain has started to shut down for the night. I'm nowhere near as tired as I was last week, but I don't have the energy I need to be able to really process things. It takes energy to process, but it's good.

I've noticed a few changes in the way I react to things too... When I see a parent with their young child it's still hard, and I still wish more than anything that Lily was in my arms, but I find myself thinking "I wish I didn't have to wait longer to experience that".

I would still give anything to have Lily here with us, but more than anything else I'm thankful for the time we had with her. Her 8 months on this earth changed people's lives forever =)

Today I'm thankful for: My perfect little girl, and the joy she brought us.

13 April 2011

Dear Lily,

Amongst many other things, sorry I didn't get the chance to read a story with you. As you'll find out one day my story telling includes a range of voices/action/running around and you would have enjoyed it =)

I imagined spoiling you, then pretending to feel bad about it later...

I imagined racing around with you in your push chair, then hopping in myself and asking you to push me around...

When you were a bit older I had planned to sneak into the kitchen with you and secretly eat ice-cream before breakfast...

When you were too young to drive, but old enough to reach the pedals, I imagined letting you drive around a deserted parking lot with me...

When you brought home a boyfriend I imagined not liking him very much...

And when you needed me, I imagined always being there...

I imagined a whole life with you, and I love you with a lifetime's worth of love.

Dad

12 April 2011

Today was Lily's due date, and what I wouldn't give to have been able to spend this extra time with her. Even before she was born, being able to see her move around and hear her heartbeat was amazing. I'm wishing I gave her lots more raspberries too...

I've started to realise I use certain things as an 'excuse' to be able to vent emotion/grieve, which is stupid really. Stupid in the way that I should be able to vent without needing excuses. Things like a certain song coming on (mainly 'Just The Way You Are' by Bruno Mars, as we carried Lily into the church to that song) or seeing a father holding his baby. It's a sad thing that it doesn't feel right to feel emotional any time I want/need to.

Obviously some circumstances aren't ideal, like today when I was in the middle of talking to a customer, and the Bruno Mars song came on. It's not that I want to burst out in tears, it's more that I want a moment to myself to remember Lily. A short moment to be happy, sad and by myself.

I find myself wondering if I spend enough time thinking about her, or 'grieving'. Which brings me to another thing. How can you define grieving? It's so broad, and I feel as though I need to make sure I'm doing it. Am I spending enough time dealing with feelings? Will there be any long term effects if I'm not? Should I talk to someone professional about it all even though I don't want to at this stage? Where's the manual?!

I've tried looking up things about it, but most sites say things like "there are stages of grief". I don't feel as though I'm following the stages, but that's ok. The biggest thing I've learnt, and continue to learn, is that my grief is different to anyone else's.

Today I'm thankful for: Motivation! I'm not dead tired tonight, and I've almost completely finished the funeral project =)

11 April 2011

The last two days have flown by. I've been so exhausted. I tried to get things done, but all I want to do is sleep! I haven't been able to finish the funeral project - as hard as I've tried. I've got to be in a certain state of mind to do it, but just can't seem to get there.

Today we went to the Hamilton Museum and saw the Dr. Seuss exhibit then did a bit of shopping. It was good to get out of the house, but just doing that meant I had to sleep this afternoon for about an hour. I'm not sure why I'm quite this exhausted all of a sudden. It might just be from venting everything on Saturday night on the blog. I'm getting used to not knowing what to expect from my body though.

So a good day today, just tiring. Here's hoping for a good night's sleep tonight =)

Today I'm thankful for: Days off to rest!

9 April 2011 (again)

I'm over-tired and emotional, and I don't really know where I'm going with this, it's thoughts as I think them. Please bear with me.

So I can't sleep. The other night I felt the same, so thought about Lily and I was able to relax and doze off. It didn't have the same effect this time. This time a question kept running through my mind.

Why couldn't she live?

The Shack was a great book (little-bit-of-a-spoiler alert), but it was about the main character dealing with the loss of his murdered daughter. He was asking God why he didn't stop it from happening. Someone else caused it to happen though, and there was a person for him to 'blame'. With Lily, nobody did anything, it just happened when she was developing.

I believe with everything in me that miracles are real. Years ago my asthma used to stop me from running around. I was prayed for at church, and after that night I can now run around as much as I want and no asthma. I know miracles are real, and I've seen many over my lifetime.

I hear about so many miracles that come true, but we don't talk about the ones that don't. It seems unanswered prayers (or prayers not answered in the way you would like/expect) cause doubt to creep in. Don't get me wrong, Lily's death hasn't meant I don't believe in miracles, or doubt that prayer works. I believe that Lily was a miracle herself. She was perfect. But why no miracle of lasting life for our perfect girl?

We saw that Lily had six toes on her left foot on two separate scans both done by senior people at the hospital, but when she was born she had perfect feet. Five toes on each, and they were all perfect. We even heard the doctors comment on it after she was born. It's just hard not knowing why there wasn't a miracle for lasting life.

The hard thing for me is that I was believing for the miracle of lasting life (I keep saying this because she was a miracle, but the only thing she was lacking was lasting life) right till the end. It didn't happen though. She passed away in our arms, and we will live a life without her physically here with us.

There were literally hundreds and hundreds of people around the country and the rest of the world praying for her. Why wasn't this prayer answered? I may never know the answer, but as hard as that is... I can live with that. It won't stop me wondering or asking, but I can live with it. I think the reason I can live with it is because I know God is real. I know he loves me, and only wants the best for me. I can't understand his reasons for not intervening, but it's not going to change my feelings about him, or my faith.

That might sound strange to you, and you may not be able to understand, but that's ok.  As I said, this is me and my thoughts.

I think I just figured out what my days off will be filled with. Thinking. Lots of it.

9 April 2011

Yesterday my amazing wife posted this:

"Well it has been 3 weeks since Lily came and went... wonder why I am not over it yet? Because I lost not only a baby, but a toddler, a preschooler, a young child, a pre teen, a teenager, a young adult, an adult... I didn't just lose my baby! We lost a whole life, a life time of joy, challenges, events, laughter... an entire life went with Lily when she went to heaven..."

That's so true. Every day I see things I should be doing with Lily. Today I saw a Mum rush to her little girl when she fell. There's so many things I long to do. I've been ready to be a Dad for a while now, and I know I will be a Dad to other children in the future, but I wish I had that now. I'm a clucky man.

Taking it easy at work is harder than I thought. I've worked the last couple of days and have over-done it slightly both days. Will I ever learn? It's hard not knowing what/how much I'm able to do. All of a sudden I'm really exhausted. It seems everything has had a bigger effect on me than I thought.

Sarah and I have come to learn the pain won't go away, you just learn to cope with it a bit better each day. I feel like I'm a bit behind though, as my grieving seemed to start two weeks after we met & said goodbye to Lily. I haven't really had a chance to think about much over the past couple of days due to work, but I'm not sure if that's a good thing or a bad thing. I have the next two days off, so it will be interesting to see what happens and how I feel. It's still strange not knowing what to expect.

Today I'm thankful for: Days off! I can finish the funeral "audio to pictures" project I've been working on that's almost done, and try and get some much needed sleep =)

7 April 2011

Had another go at work today. I spent most of the day out the back and was able to talk to customers on the phone without any problems, but it seems I'm not quite ready to be out on the shop floor dealing with customers directly... I found it easier than Tuesday, but by 2pm I was exhausted, and I could feel the anxiety coming on again. I got home and ended up sleeping for a couple of hours.

This afternoon it kind of hit me that this will take a while. I never want to be 'over it', as I gained a daughter, and feel closer to Sarah than ever. I'm looking forward to feeling better overall though. I still find myself feeling strange about things I have no control over. The anxiety is like an unwelcome guest. Who knows what it will take to get it to leave.

Today I'm thankful for: A special piece of music a friend wrote. He worked on it for two and a half years, but ran out of inspiration every time. After seeing photos of Lily, he was able to complete it. It's just over two minutes long, but it's so powerful. It's amazing to know Lily is weaved into the music, and every time I listen to it I remember the amazing journey and the daughter I gained. Listening to it tonight is just what I needed after a long day =)

Lastly if there is anyone you think would benefit from reading this blog (or Sarah's one: http://lilytynesmum.blogspot.com/) or is going through something similar, feel free to share it with them. This isn't intended to be a private thing at all, and one of the main reasons I started it was to be able to share with, and possibly help, other people. Our midwife has told us there is another couple who looks to be heading down a similar road to the one we are travelling, and although I'm still going through things myself, I would love to share/grieve with anyone who needs it. My emotional shoulders are sore from everything that's on them, but helping people seems to help lift me up, not push me down. I'm blessed to be a person that loves to help, and is able to without taking it all on board myself.

6 April 2011

It's amazing how many different types of grief there are, even just looking at someone passing away. If someone passes away later on in their life, you may regret saying something hurtful, not saying something you needed to, not spending more time with them etc. One of the good things is you still have a lifetime of memories to call on. Things happen that remind you of that person because of places, songs, smells, food etc that mean something special or that you have shared. It's incredibly hard thinking you'll never do them again, but the memories of doing them are with you forever.

There's just so many categories of grief. People you didn't know well, people you loved, someone you didn't get to say goodbye to, not being able to have a body to bury, never being sure what happened in those last moments, having to turn off life support, never meeting a baby for any reason...  Different circumstances mean different grief, but it still really hurts.

I'm finding it hard not having many things to remember. Feeling her kick, watching her move during scans (much to the doctor's frustration), listening to her heartbeat... Then once she was born her hair, her little fingers and toes, her perfect face... I find myself grasping all the memories I have, and wanted to be able to see something that reminded me of the special time we had with her. I wanted something physical to remember Lily, so Sarah and I decided to each get a ring. We found the ones we love, and they should be ready in a couple of weeks. We can't wait =)

Today I'm thankful for: being blessed by someone dropping off bags of groceries for us, which meant we had everything we needed to have a wonderful bacon and eggs breakfast this morning, and a fridge full of food =)

5 April 2011

I went back to work for most of the day today. I had planned to go in for a few hours but wanted to see how I would get on. The weirdest thing is I found myself getting really anxious at certain points of the day, which I have never done before in any situation. I think it might be the responsibility of making sure other people are doing what they are meant to be doing when I'm trying to keep myself together. It was when I thought about difficult or stressful things that it seemed to happen, and it took a good 20 minutes to get back to normal... I don't like not really knowing what's happening with my emotions. I usually have relatively good control, so it's something I'm getting used to.

I found myself wishing I was at home working on my project - getting the sound from Lily's funeral all sorted so people who weren't there can share in the day. Don't get me wrong, I could have gone home at any point, I just wanted to see how I would get on. I guess I need to take it easy and not push myself as far. I feel pressured, not by people, but by how society expects me to react in regards to getting over things and going back to work. Putting myself first is something I'm having to learn how to do, but have never been very good at.

Today I'm thankful for: hearing how much Lily's short life has impacted others. We've heard some amazing stories from people already, and the stories are still coming in =)

4 April 2011

It seems the hardest thing at the moment is seeing other babies and children, and thinking "I wish I had that with Lily". It first hit me the morning after the funeral when I turned on the TV to the Tinkerbell movie. I know Lily wouldn't have been old enough to really appreciate it, but I imagined myself watching it with her. It hurt to think I could never do that.

I imagine it's going to be hard when we get to her first birthday. Or her her 5th, when she would be starting school... The other thing I struggle with is that I want to remember Lily in a positive way. I don't want to always think "She's gone", I would rather have the thought "Wow, what an awesome 8 months we got to spend with her while she was with us".

Sarah posted something I thought was good over on her blog (http://lilytynesmum.blogspot.com) from a SANDS (Stillbirth and Newborn Death Support) leaflet we were given when we went into hospital:

After I've lost my baby, please...

* DON'T ignore me because you are uncomfortable with the subject of death ... it makes me wonder if what happened to me means nothing to you.
 

* DO tell me that you care and that you are sorry this has happened.
 

* DO acknowledge my pain, even if you think I shouldn't be feeling it because I've lost 'only a baby'.
 

* DON'T expect me to be 'over this' in a month (or maybe even a year or two). Losing a baby is one of the most difficult of all life's experiences and the depth of my grief will shock even me as it returns in waves over and over again, long after everyone else has forgotten.

* If you invite me for lunch in the midst of my grief, DO expect me to talk about my loss. It is all I am thinking about it, and I need to talk it out.

* Don't change the subject if I should start crying. Tears (and talking about it) are the healthiest way for me to release this intense emotion.

* Don't expect that because "she is with Jesus" that it is all that should matter (i.e. I should not be hurting). I do believe she is, and I am thankful for that, but my arms ache to hold her, and I miss her!

* DON'T say "better luck next time" or "you can have another one"... To me she was and is a very special, unique person and there is NO WAY she can ever be replaced! Besides, you don't know if there ever will be a next time - I don't either and that is a pain all it's own.

* If I snap at you for saying any of these things (or anything else), please DO forgive me and try to understand it comes from intense pain!

* DO be available to me often if you can, and let me talk or cry without judging me. Saying "don't be angry/sad" is like saying "don't be thirsty" - my feelings are part of a normal grief response and I will work through them quicker and easier if you aren't judgemental.

* Just love me and I will always remember you as a true friend!

-----------------

Some people won't know how to deal with it, or won't know they are being insensitive, and it's been good preparing for questions we might get from people who haven't heard what's happened too. I'm not looking forward to the "So how old is your baby now?" question when it comes up. Sarah has borrowed a great book called "Life After Baby Loss" that addresses all those things in a kiwi way.

Again, thanks for all the support and encouragement. It's sad that it's such a taboo subject and more open about this sort of thing, as not being able to talk about it would make it so much harder.

Today I'm thankful for: being able to listen to Lily's funeral audio as I add pictures and words to it, and remember the amazing time we got to spend with her =)

2 April 2011

~ On the 17th of March 2011, Lily Tyne Hollows made her way into this world. She was with us for a matter of minutes once she was born, but we spent 8 wonderful months getting to know her ~

It seems strange that it's been over 2 weeks now. Time changed when it all happened. In the days/week afterwards I couldn't really keep track of what day it was unless there was an appointment or something with a day attached to it in my mind. My priorities changed from "what happens on this day of the week?" to "I have to do this/that at the moment". It changed from days/weeks to minutes/hours. I didn't really notice it at the time, but now looking back it's interesting to see what happened without me even knowing it.

I felt guilty that I wasn't feeling terrible all day every day. I know it's not a good thing, but it's how I felt for a while. The whole time throughout the pregnancy it didn't really feel real to me. I knew I had a daughter in my mind, but was having trouble feeling it. I thought when Lily was born it would all hit me, but it didn't. Well not all at once, I guess. I found it hard to bond with Lily (before she was born) the same way Sarah did, which might be to do with the physical side of things that Sarah was able to experience.

I desperately wanted to feel that connection too. I went to every scan, every mid-wife appointment, talked to Lily and listened to her heartbeat, but I didn't really feel like a Dad for some reason. You know the moment in a movie when a Dad connects with his baby, gets that look in his eye and has a moment that he will remember for the rest of his life? I wanted that. Towards the end of the pregnancy I found I could raspberry Sarah's belly and I could see Lily moving around, and that helped me connect, but connecting is something I struggled with. Not that I didn't love Lily though. I loved her so much, and that's why I wanted whatever that feeling was so badly.

I felt like I wanted to grieve, but wasn't doing it. I guess it's something that can't be forced, and different people will do it in their own time. Things hit home a bit on a subconscious level a few days ago on Thursday while reading some of 'The Shack'. I don't know what happened, but it seemed to unblock a bit of the dam I felt had built up inside that was stopping me feeling things I wanted to feel. It's hard, but good.

I don't really know what to do with my days either. Do I keep really busy, or is that distracting me from dealing with the feelings and thoughts I should be dealing with? As I said, it's hard, but I know it's process that takes time.

The support we've both had has been amazing too, and people will never really know how much it means to know people are simply thinking of us and praying for us. I know lots of people wanted to do something to help, but everyone has been helping without really knowing it. So now I continue on, not knowing what I should be feeling, and knowing inside there isn't really anything I 'should' be feeling anyway.

Lastly, someone suggested writing something good that happened every day, even if it's something small. My 'thing' today is realising how far I've come after reading what I wrote here today. I have made progress =)