Tonight I've made time to work on my version of events of the birth. So many people I've talked to don't know the amazing story, and I have been meaning to do it for a while. It's been easier than I thought to think about it all again, and after telling someone about it this afternoon I knew it's what I needed to get done.
Today was easier than yesterday, but I'm finding it hard that most people have no idea about the pain on the inside. On the outside I look like I'm 'back to normal', but I'm not. It's still hard, and sometimes it starts to get a bit much, but because I seem 'back to normal' I find it hard to tell people (especially at work) that I need to take it easy. I don't want people to think I'm using it as an excuse to slack off.
On some level I know that's stupid, but I can't help feeling that. I don't like inconveniencing anyone. I really tried to work on that when we found out there was nothing the doctors could do for Lily, a week before she was born. I tried to go to work the next day (it might seem stupid, but Sarah was not home that day and I didn't want to spend the day at home by myself) but ended up going home early as I just wasn't able to work. Lily was born a week later, and I took a total of three weeks off work.
I'm also in two minds about things, and I know I've mentioned this before, but I'm not sure if I should be keeping busy, or taking it easy so I have time to process things. I'll be glad to talk to a grief counsellor about all this stuff. We're organising it at the moment and we're hoping it will help us understand a bit more about why we're feeling why we're feeling.
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