I've found the past couple of days really hard. Like I've been covered in a cloak of grief. The cloak seems to block out/dull the things I would usually enjoy, and drain motivation. It's a heavy cloak that I find hard to remove at will. It's not something I can just shrug off. I have to really put in effort, and have to keep reminding myself that even though there's so much pain, I gained a beautiful daughter out of all this.
Sarah and I have been feeling similar things in sync lately, without any communication about it which is interesting. I'm getting used to not knowing what to expect in terms of how I feel day to day, but I wasn't expecting everything to be so raw (as Sarah described it in her blog) this far down the track when lately it had felt like things were getting easier. I'm not giving up though, and I will continue to remember the positive in spite of how I may feel.
Also for those genuinely asking me how I am when you see me, I find it hard to talk about it in person because so many other people are just asking in a polite way. They want to hear 'I'm doing ok', and not 'I'm struggling at the moment'. If you want to know how I'm really doing you can ask me =) I will be honest about it though which may be hard to hear. I don't expect answers, sympathy or anything in return. Just a 'That must be hard' or 'I'm thinking of you' means a lot.
Today I'm thankful for: The amazing ability we have in all of us to fight/survive when we think we're defeated or it all feels too much. There's always that little bit of fight/hope we refuse to give up that keeps us going. Hold on to it!
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