25 May 2011

It's a sad thing that so many children in this world are neglected. So many children are labelled early on, and sometimes they never really recover. Others are never given the opportunity to thrive. It might be due to a number of things, and it's not always someone's fault, but it happens.

We have two kids staying with us at the moment. A 9 year old girl and a 6 year old boy. While talking to them both over the last week we've come to learn they're situation at home has meant there isn't much opportunity for them to develop outside of school, and it's been a pretty hard life. We're glad to be able to help out in this tiny way, by at least giving them some stability.

After hearing he's in the lowest reading group at school, I sat down with the boy and he read about half of "Green Eggs and Ham". With the tiniest bit of help he was able to do it. It's frustrating to think that not all kids are able to be given that time they need. All it took was half an hour, and it made a difference. When I first said we were going to do some reading he told me he couldn't do it, but he got excited at each word he was able to read. It's amazing to see that.

Here's hoping we can really make a difference in their lives while they are with us. Sarah and I both have hearts for this sort of thing, and it's so rewarding =)

Today I'm thankful for: Seeing the two kids faces light up when we gave them the marbles and a few other little toys tonight =) Also, hearing from a grief counsellor today and being able to organise a time to meet.

23 May 2011

Well it's been a busy last few days. Looking after two kids aged 6 and 9 isn't as easy as I thought! Trying to keep them entertained when it's raining/wet outside and one is just getting over chicken pox really limits your options. We've done pretty well though, and it's great to know we're able to help out by sharing our home.

After my last blog I had felt like I had taken a step forward, and I probably have, but once again I discovered can't predict how I will feel. When I saw a picture of Lily later that night I was flooded with feelings. We have a picture of Lily up on our wall, and I see it every day. This time seeing a photo affected me differently for some reason. Seeing her face reminded me how perfect and cute she was, and of the time we had with her. It was that deep longing to hold her again.

Today I'm thankful for: Having enough in life to be able to bless other people.

19 May 2011

Kidney stone pain aside, things have been getting better. I've started to notice my thinking has started changing too. For a while I was looking at babies and wishing I was holding Lily, and although I still wish with everything in me that I was holding her, I've been thinking more along the lines of "That baby is a blessing, I hope you realise that" lately. Also I met a 17 year old girl with the name Lily, and it made me wonder what Lily would have looked like at that age.

Obviously I'm still building myself back up on the inside as I can't handle as much stress. There's been a couple of times at work when the anxiety has started to come back, and I've been able to keep it at bay, but it's not easy. It still takes a good half an hour to an hour to really calm down fully. Not nice at all, but it has been getting better. I'm still not good at taking things easy...

It's hard to believe a little over two months ago I held Lily in my arms. It was such an amazing feeling, and the memory of my finger in her hand still makes me smile, and always will. We know the time we had with her was a gift.

Today I'm thankful for: The time we got to spend with Lily... and pain relief for the kidney stone =)

14 May 2011

Today started with waking up at 4:45am with severe pain, another trip to A&E, morphine and 4 hours in hospital. Not the best start to the day. It still seems like things like this are a distraction from what happened. When the pain from the kidney stone is gone, the thoughts of Lily come back. The pain I was in this morning was a 9/10, but that only lasts for a short time. The pain of losing a child may not always hurt that much, but it's with you for a long, long time.

Lately it's been a bit easier, but I still find myself clinging to those memories of when Lily had just been born and I held her hand as Sarah and I got to spend that precious time with her. I'm finding it easier to turn the negative thoughts into positive. I've taught myself to turn "she's gone" into "the time I got to spend with her was so special".

It's still hard to see so many other parents with their babies. I find myself thinking "I hope they understand that their child is a gift". It's been hard to see so many news stories about child abuse (especially babies) lately too. It's a truly sickening thought that people are abusing their babies, sometimes even resulting in death. Children should be cherished.

Sarah has had more bloods taken this week because some of her results came back as "slightly abnormal". Now we play the waiting game to find out that everything is fine. So lots going on at the moment. I've started MCing the High School theatresports again too, and going along to rehearsals for a improv performance coming up. It's been good getting involved in things again.

Today I'm thankful for: Sarah, for driving me to the hospital at 6am. Also morphine. I was able to relax and enjoy a relatively pain-free day hanging out with Sarah (even if I was asleep for some of it).

9 May 2011

Today was a good day. I caught up with our pastor at a cafe and had a good talk, got the funeral uploaded, caught up with a friend for lunch, had gormet chocolate and ended the night MCing High School theatresports. A very nice way to end the weekend. It's been great to allow people to take part in the special day we had to celebrate Lily's life, even if it is 7 weeks down the track. Once again thank you to all the people thinking of us and supporting us through this journey. What we are going through and dealing with is made so much easier with the amazing support you give us =) Today I'm thankful for: A great day!

Lily's Celebration =)

I know there were lots of people who couldn't make it to Lily's funeral/celebration on the day, so I've added some pictures and text to the audio that was recorded so you can share in the special day. It was an amazing celebration for our little girl. Thank you all for being a part of her life. She knew nothing but love...

You can watch the video here, or for a better quality version click here.

8 May 2011

Today was another hard day, even for me. Mother's day. We went to church this morning, but I found it hard with so many babies around. It's something I'm going to have to overcome, but I think it will just take time. I still find myself thinking "I should have my baby too".

I managed to channel everything into being productive though, and got the funeral project I've been working on completely finished. I've put photos and text to the audio that was recorded on the day. It should be online tomorrow hopefully, for those that couldn't be there on the day. It's really helped me deal with it all. Her funeral was a celebration of her life =)

I discovered a video today that gets across some of the thoughts and feelings Sarah and I have been dealing with. You can watch it here. It's pretty honest, and might be a bit hard to watch.

Things are slowly getting easier, and each day I remind myself that I am lucky to have ever known Lily. She was a gift, and I am so grateful for her.

Today I'm thankful for: Finding the motivation I needed to finish the funeral project =)

5 May 2011

We had a meeting at the hospital today to talk about future pregnancies and the chances of anything going wrong again. Basically they told us they are pretty confident that neither of the two major complications will happen again, but there could be a slightly increased chance. They said they would be scanning and testing lots next time though, mainly to give us peace of mind. They couldn't really tell us more than that, but today we were forced to think about the future.

We've talked about having other children, but it's hard to not feel like we would be 'replacing' Lily in some way. Obviously that's not the case, and any future child would be Lily's little brother or sister, but it's a thought that popped up. Both Sarah and I want kids more than anything, and have for a while now. We've been waiting for the right time, but it's hard to think we're both 26 now and we never really expected to be this old when starting our family.

I'm looking forward to getting to know our future kids, as getting to know Lily changed my life forever. It's going to be hard trying not to worry about things early on, even though I know the chances of anything going wrong are low. I guess we'll cross that bridge when we come to it, but we know it will be difficult. Once again thank you all for your continued support, it's amazing =)

Today I'm thankful for: The opportunity to get out and see Thor at the movies with some mates today. It was just what I needed =)

4 May 2011

Tonight I've made time to work on my version of events of the birth. So many people I've talked to don't know the amazing story, and I have been meaning to do it for a while. It's been easier than I thought to think about it all again, and after telling someone about it this afternoon I knew it's what I needed to get done.

Today was easier than yesterday, but I'm finding it hard that most people have no idea about the pain on the inside. On the outside I look like I'm 'back to normal', but I'm not. It's still hard, and sometimes it starts to get a bit much, but because I seem 'back to normal' I find it hard to tell people (especially at work) that I need to take it easy. I don't want people to think I'm using it as an excuse to slack off.

On some level I know that's stupid, but I can't help feeling that. I don't like inconveniencing anyone. I really tried to work on that when we found out there was nothing the doctors could do for Lily, a week before she was born. I tried to go to work the next day (it might seem stupid, but Sarah was not home that day and I didn't want to spend the day at home by myself) but ended up going home early as I just wasn't able to work. Lily was born a week later, and I took a total of three weeks off work.

I'm also in two minds about things, and I know I've mentioned this before, but I'm not sure if I should be keeping busy, or taking it easy so I have time to process things. I'll be glad to talk to a grief counsellor about all this stuff. We're organising it at the moment and we're hoping it will help us understand a bit more about why we're feeling why we're feeling.

Today I'm thankful for: Being motivated enough to finally start writing about my series of events around the birth =)

3 May 2011

I've found the past couple of days really hard. Like I've been covered in a cloak of grief. The cloak seems to block out/dull the things I would usually enjoy, and drain motivation. It's a heavy cloak that I find hard to remove at will. It's not something I can just shrug off. I have to really put in effort, and have to keep reminding myself that even though there's so much pain, I gained a beautiful daughter out of all this.

Sarah and I have been feeling similar things in sync lately, without any communication about it which is interesting. I'm getting used to not knowing what to expect in terms of how I feel day to day, but I wasn't expecting everything to be so raw (as Sarah described it in her blog) this far down the track when lately it had felt like things were getting easier. I'm not giving up though, and I will continue to remember the positive in spite of how I may feel.

Also for those genuinely asking me how I am when you see me, I find it hard to talk about it in person because so many other people are just asking in a polite way. They want to hear 'I'm doing ok', and not 'I'm struggling at the moment'. If you want to know how I'm really doing you can ask me =) I will be honest about it though which may be hard to hear. I don't expect answers, sympathy or anything in return. Just a 'That must be hard' or 'I'm thinking of you' means a lot.

Today I'm thankful for: The amazing ability we have in all of us to fight/survive when we think we're defeated or it all feels too much. There's always that little bit of fight/hope we refuse to give up that keeps us going. Hold on to it!

1 May 2011

For the past week or so I haven't felt like I've had enough to write about. I've had a kidney stone, have been busy at work and have been struggling to get in the right frame of mind to process things/collect my thoughts. Just when I felt like I had made some progress, something really knocked me.

Seeing people with children affects me more lately. It's hard to see so many other parents just... being with their kids. I feel such a strong longing to hold Lily in my arms. It's like a part of my body is missing. Something that should be there. Last night everything hit me again. It's so final. While I am on this earth I will never again hold my little girl. There is nothing I can do that will bring her back.

It's a reality I'm going to have to face for the rest of my life. Yes I appreciate the time I had with her, and I wouldn't change anything if I could go back in time, but it really does feel like I'm missing a body part and I'm not complete.

Today I'm thankful for: The blessed life I have. Although I have lost something so precious, I still have so much.