I'm still alive =) For the last week and a half I have felt like I haven't had enough to blog about. It's been so busy, and I've been feeling so many things.
Having 2 kids (who are actually 7 and 9, not 6 and 9 as we were told) is very time consuming, but so rewarding. It's been great having them stay, and I really enjoy spending time with them. Sarah makes a really good Mum =) I really admire how she has stepped into the Mum role, and giving these kids the best we can while they are with us.
Talking to the counsellor last week didn't seem to do a whole lot. Don't get me wrong, it was good, but I didn't feel like much had changed. Through the week though, the thing that stuck with me was it's ok to talk to Lily out at her grave. We've said from the beginning that Lily isn't really there, it's just her body and she's up in Heaven. It meant going out there was easier, but I didn't really feel anything or feel any connection with her out there. It turned out that was what I needed.
After working late on Friday night I drove out to the cemetery on my way home and went and talked to Lily. For the first time I had the thought "my little girl's body is just under that dirt" and it upset me, because even though it's only her physical body, I would prefer her complete, and somewhere a lot nicer. I was able to talk to her, and cry, and let her know I miss her. It's nice to have a place I can go to do that.
Today I came across a video of a couple who's baby was born 'dead'. No heartbeat, not breathing, nothing. After 20 minutes when they were about to give up, she breathed and 'came to life'. 20 minutes! They told the parents she wasn't able to drink and would have to be fed through tubes, but they prayed and she was able to. They told them she would probably have brain damage due to the 20 mins without oxygen to her brain, but they prayed before the scan and all the results came back perfectly normal. She lived, and is perfectly healthy =)
Lily didn't make it. We still believe in miracles, and as we have said, Lily was a miracle. I guess I still struggle with the fact that Lily didn't get the miracle of a full life. I see so many other people with babies and children and there's something in me that hurts each time. I'm happy for them and it's nothing negative towards them or their child, but I wish Lily was around. I would get up in the night, I would change nappies, I would do anything for her.
The other thing it's actually painful and hard to know the days are getting easier. That may seem strange, but a way I love Lily is through thought and memory. When I go almost a day without thinking of her, it hurts. I feel as though I should still be upset all the time, and thinking about her more than I am. I know it's not good to think that way, but I can't help it just now. I don't dwell on those thoughts, and I know that I will always love Lily the same amount, it's just a struggle at the moment.
Thank you again to all those people out there still praying for us and thinking of us, we really appreciate it =)
Today I'm thankful for: Having a place to go and talk to Lily. I know I can talk to her any time, but having that place really helps =)
