It's still hard some days. It's been so long, and we're lucky enough to have an amazing 2½ girl and a 5½ boy that we have been blessed with. We treasure them more knowing they are a gift, and how precious life is.

I still miss Lily very much. I took a moment out of my day to look through pictures, read this blog, remember her and grieve. Part of me wants to just stop and stay here in this grief for a long time, but I know I can't. I also would like to think Lily wouldn't want that. She would want me to carry on, knowing I'll never forget her and that she was so precious.

I love you, Lily. Your younger brother and sister know all about you, and you will continue to live on in memory. I'm so glad I got to meet you. You truly were perfect.

Dad

17 June 2011

I can't believe it's been 3 months since we met and said goodbye to Lily. Not a day goes by that I don't think of her. She brought both Sarah and I so much joy, and we wouldn't change a thing if we could go back in time. We miss you Lily.


Today I'm thankful for: My beautiful daughter and wife.

14 June 2011

Lately I've realised how strong Sarah and have been. I had the thought "What if, two years ago, someone told us the following:

- It will take you a year to get pregnant

- Your first child will be a little girl

- Early on you will find out she has life threatening complications

- There is some hope that the doctors can do something once she is born

- She will choose her own name, and show her personality in scans

- One week before she is born you will be told there is nothing they can do

- You will get less than 10 minutes with her before she will die in your arms

- You will help organise the funeral in less than one and a half days

- Two months later, you will be looking after a 7 year old and 9 year old long term"

There is no way I would have thought any person could survive it. Even thinking about it now, it still doesn't really make sense to me. It's just too much, but somehow we did make it through...

 

Certain things made it easier. We treated every second we had with her as a gift. We shared our story, and the more we shared, the more support there was. We weren't hiding anything or carrying it on our own. We made her funeral a celebration of her life, and as hard as it has been we've told people how we're really feeling.

I know there are others who have experienced worse. Everyone is different, and can't situations can't really be 'compared'. We react to things in a unique way. It's just made me realise how strong we can be, even when we don't think we have it in us.

Today I'm thankful for: Strength I didn't know I had.

5 June 2011

I'm still alive =) For the last week and a half I have felt like I haven't had enough to blog about. It's been so busy, and I've been feeling so many things.

Having 2 kids (who are actually 7 and 9, not 6 and 9 as we were told) is very time consuming, but so rewarding. It's been great having them stay, and I really enjoy spending time with them. Sarah makes a really good Mum =) I really admire how she has stepped into the Mum role, and giving these kids the best we can while they are with us.

Talking to the counsellor last week didn't seem to do a whole lot. Don't get me wrong, it was good, but I didn't feel like much had changed. Through the week though, the thing that stuck with me was it's ok to talk to Lily out at her grave. We've said from the beginning that Lily isn't really there, it's just her body and she's up in Heaven. It meant going out there was easier, but I didn't really feel anything or feel any connection with her out there. It turned out that was what I needed.

After working late on Friday night I drove out to the cemetery on my way home and went and talked to Lily. For the first time I had the thought "my little girl's body is just under that dirt" and it upset me, because even though it's only her physical body, I would prefer her complete, and somewhere a lot nicer. I was able to talk to her, and cry, and let her know I miss her. It's nice to have a place I can go to do that.

Today I came across a video of a couple who's baby was born 'dead'. No heartbeat, not breathing, nothing. After 20 minutes when they were about to give up, she breathed and 'came to life'. 20 minutes! They told the parents she wasn't able to drink and would have to be fed through tubes, but they prayed and she was able to. They told them she would probably have brain damage due to the 20 mins without oxygen to her brain, but they prayed before the scan and all the results came back perfectly normal. She lived, and is perfectly healthy =)

Lily didn't make it. We still believe in miracles, and as we have said, Lily was a miracle. I guess I still struggle with the fact that Lily didn't get the miracle of a full life. I see so many other people with babies and children and there's something in me that hurts each time. I'm happy for them and it's nothing negative towards them or their child, but I wish Lily was around. I would get up in the night, I would change nappies, I would do anything for her.

The other thing it's actually painful and hard to know the days are getting easier. That may seem strange, but a way I love Lily is through thought and memory. When I go almost a day without thinking of her, it hurts. I feel as though I should still be upset all the time, and thinking about her more than I am. I know it's not good to think that way, but I can't help it just now. I don't dwell on those thoughts, and I know that I will always love Lily the same amount, it's just a struggle at the moment.

Thank you again to all those people out there still praying for us and thinking of us, we really appreciate it =)

Today I'm thankful for: Having a place to go and talk to Lily. I know I can talk to her any time, but having that place really helps =)

25 May 2011

It's a sad thing that so many children in this world are neglected. So many children are labelled early on, and sometimes they never really recover. Others are never given the opportunity to thrive. It might be due to a number of things, and it's not always someone's fault, but it happens.

We have two kids staying with us at the moment. A 9 year old girl and a 6 year old boy. While talking to them both over the last week we've come to learn they're situation at home has meant there isn't much opportunity for them to develop outside of school, and it's been a pretty hard life. We're glad to be able to help out in this tiny way, by at least giving them some stability.

After hearing he's in the lowest reading group at school, I sat down with the boy and he read about half of "Green Eggs and Ham". With the tiniest bit of help he was able to do it. It's frustrating to think that not all kids are able to be given that time they need. All it took was half an hour, and it made a difference. When I first said we were going to do some reading he told me he couldn't do it, but he got excited at each word he was able to read. It's amazing to see that.

Here's hoping we can really make a difference in their lives while they are with us. Sarah and I both have hearts for this sort of thing, and it's so rewarding =)

Today I'm thankful for: Seeing the two kids faces light up when we gave them the marbles and a few other little toys tonight =) Also, hearing from a grief counsellor today and being able to organise a time to meet.

23 May 2011

Well it's been a busy last few days. Looking after two kids aged 6 and 9 isn't as easy as I thought! Trying to keep them entertained when it's raining/wet outside and one is just getting over chicken pox really limits your options. We've done pretty well though, and it's great to know we're able to help out by sharing our home.

After my last blog I had felt like I had taken a step forward, and I probably have, but once again I discovered can't predict how I will feel. When I saw a picture of Lily later that night I was flooded with feelings. We have a picture of Lily up on our wall, and I see it every day. This time seeing a photo affected me differently for some reason. Seeing her face reminded me how perfect and cute she was, and of the time we had with her. It was that deep longing to hold her again.

Today I'm thankful for: Having enough in life to be able to bless other people.

19 May 2011

Kidney stone pain aside, things have been getting better. I've started to notice my thinking has started changing too. For a while I was looking at babies and wishing I was holding Lily, and although I still wish with everything in me that I was holding her, I've been thinking more along the lines of "That baby is a blessing, I hope you realise that" lately. Also I met a 17 year old girl with the name Lily, and it made me wonder what Lily would have looked like at that age.

Obviously I'm still building myself back up on the inside as I can't handle as much stress. There's been a couple of times at work when the anxiety has started to come back, and I've been able to keep it at bay, but it's not easy. It still takes a good half an hour to an hour to really calm down fully. Not nice at all, but it has been getting better. I'm still not good at taking things easy...

It's hard to believe a little over two months ago I held Lily in my arms. It was such an amazing feeling, and the memory of my finger in her hand still makes me smile, and always will. We know the time we had with her was a gift.

Today I'm thankful for: The time we got to spend with Lily... and pain relief for the kidney stone =)

14 May 2011

Today started with waking up at 4:45am with severe pain, another trip to A&E, morphine and 4 hours in hospital. Not the best start to the day. It still seems like things like this are a distraction from what happened. When the pain from the kidney stone is gone, the thoughts of Lily come back. The pain I was in this morning was a 9/10, but that only lasts for a short time. The pain of losing a child may not always hurt that much, but it's with you for a long, long time.

Lately it's been a bit easier, but I still find myself clinging to those memories of when Lily had just been born and I held her hand as Sarah and I got to spend that precious time with her. I'm finding it easier to turn the negative thoughts into positive. I've taught myself to turn "she's gone" into "the time I got to spend with her was so special".

It's still hard to see so many other parents with their babies. I find myself thinking "I hope they understand that their child is a gift". It's been hard to see so many news stories about child abuse (especially babies) lately too. It's a truly sickening thought that people are abusing their babies, sometimes even resulting in death. Children should be cherished.

Sarah has had more bloods taken this week because some of her results came back as "slightly abnormal". Now we play the waiting game to find out that everything is fine. So lots going on at the moment. I've started MCing the High School theatresports again too, and going along to rehearsals for a improv performance coming up. It's been good getting involved in things again.

Today I'm thankful for: Sarah, for driving me to the hospital at 6am. Also morphine. I was able to relax and enjoy a relatively pain-free day hanging out with Sarah (even if I was asleep for some of it).

9 May 2011

Today was a good day. I caught up with our pastor at a cafe and had a good talk, got the funeral uploaded, caught up with a friend for lunch, had gormet chocolate and ended the night MCing High School theatresports. A very nice way to end the weekend. It's been great to allow people to take part in the special day we had to celebrate Lily's life, even if it is 7 weeks down the track. Once again thank you to all the people thinking of us and supporting us through this journey. What we are going through and dealing with is made so much easier with the amazing support you give us =) Today I'm thankful for: A great day!

Lily's Celebration =)

I know there were lots of people who couldn't make it to Lily's funeral/celebration on the day, so I've added some pictures and text to the audio that was recorded so you can share in the special day. It was an amazing celebration for our little girl. Thank you all for being a part of her life. She knew nothing but love...

You can watch the video here, or for a better quality version click here.